


Don't You Love Me?

by In_Hind_Sight



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst, Based off a song, Crying, Depression, Heavy pining, In love with someone in a relationship, Lots of Crying, M/M, Minor Levi/Eren Yeager, Minor Marco Bott/Jean Kirstein, Not Canon Compliant, One-Sided Attraction, Sassy Armin Arlert, Theres a technical term for that right?, They're college students, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2019-02-23 14:02:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13191594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/In_Hind_Sight/pseuds/In_Hind_Sight
Summary: (Altenatively Titled: I'm Still Tied to You)Armin remembers everything from the time of the titans, the grotesque expressions of those wretched monsters to the large stone walls that caged everyone in like animals, the tragedy within those stone surroundings. Of course, he remembers the death, the mourning, that distinct smell of his comrades blood in the air.But he also remembers other memories, precious ones, one's of him falling in love with someone, marrying them, building a life with that person in that incredibly cruel  world that they'd lived in.He remembers Jean.But Jean doesn't have those memories.





	Don't You Love Me?

**Author's Note:**

> Songs-
> 
> Wait By Nf
> 
> Can You Hold Me? By Nf

Armin doesn't like to think if he were to take action, he'd be some form of a homewrecker.

He doesn't typically go for married men or guys already in a relationship. He really doesn't do either of those things, neither does he think anyone else should.

Although....

He does like Jean. Who's in a relationship- with Marco.

But he's not even surprised at that fact. Can't be even if he'd really wanted too. He'd known before, he'd always known how they'd go back to eachother especially when they'd been separated before. This being because, the sad and unbearable truth is-

Armin still has his memories.

The flashbacks from their previous lives, although some scenes are just a blur, they're still there, deeply engraved in his thoughts. The memories of fearsome titans, a long-lasting war for freedom, the gruesome deaths. He remembers vividly of other, smaller details, such as the dream both he and Eren shared to see the ocean, the way Mikasa would always tightly wrap herself in that worn red scarf, Sasha's enthusiastic love for any kind of food, Krista- or Historia's kindness, even Captain Levi's strictness on cleaning.

But more importantly does Armin recall the memories he'd created with Jean in that life, the life where Marco had been long dead and there hadn't been a time where Jean and Marco's relationship had been stalled from progressing any further.

He likes Marco, that's the thing. He in absolutely no means hates him nor does he have any ill intentions towards the sweet angel-faced boy. Marco who's tall with his glowing complexion among the  cute freckles dotted across his cheeks including warm brown eyes that could make you melt to pieces alongside his charming smile.

He's everything Jean would want, Marco is everything Armin isn't.

But Armin feels as if it's not entirely fair. Not fair that he's  burdened with those memories and has to 'deal with it'. Because he can't, he can't look at Jean and not  remember every instance Jean had looked at him as if he  meant the world. He can't not  subtly avert his eyes when he sees Jean kiss Marco, because in a past life those had been Armin's lips.

He can't 'just forget'  that he and Jean were married  in those times.

Jean can't forget either. After all, you can't forget something you don't remember. Armin doesn't even know if he's relieved about that or not, yet he knows, if Jean still had his memories although still decided to be with Marco, Armin's throbbing heart would be a million times worse than it is now.

It's bad enough that Eren, however, also  has his memories.

Eren's compassionate towards Armin. Eren recognizes what he and Jean were before, he had been there, ultimately. He knows how Armin feels about Jean, how he feels that Jean's not with him. Armin's not sure but he's felt as if Eren's hatred towards Jean has gotten considerably worse for this particular reason, but it shouldn't be, there's absolutely nothing Armin (or Jean even) could've done to stop this from happening.

Armin recalls a day, he was in his Grandfather's house, looking at his old history books with Myths and Folklore -something like that- when he'd stumbled across an olden Chinese legend, most would refer too as 'The Red String of Fate'.

Armin remembered reading into it, learning that it was formed from East Asian belief. It told of how a God of Marriage (although Armin wasn't quite sure because he didn't entirely remember the name) used an imaginary red 'thread' or 'cord' and used it tie two individuals together round the ankle, a symbol that they were destined to be lovers no matter the circumstance.

Armin would love  to think that that's what him and Jean are connected by, that one day he and the man could become lovers once again. However, in reality it's probably only himself tied to Jean.

And he needs to forget about Jean. He shouldn't be feeling this way for him when the man's already in another relationship, a good relationship at that. One with no flaws whatsoever and Armin knows that surely if Jean can find Marco maybe there's someone else for Armin, maybe his soulmate had died earlier on as well and he just hadn't known.

Although he doesn't quite know for sure, because Armin can't remember if there were ever a time in this life or that one where Armin's ever looked at someone like this other than Jean.

Still, maybe not because he doesn't need to be reminded that Jean could possibly be the only one for him. He knows if he ever does  find someone else he'll always be looking for that cocky-attitude and loud-mouth and kind eyes. He doesn't have to try it out to find out that he'll be dissapointed when it's not there.

It's not like he's alone feeling this either. He doesn't know if that makes it better or worse.

Eren still has his memories like he's mentioned before, but he  hasn't found Captain Levi yet.

Armin sees how much Eren tries to cover it up, but he knows Eren a lot better than most and he can tell when it bothers him. They've found everyone from the 104th squad and have become reconnected with them (although most no longer have their past memories).

But they haven't caught a single clue of Levi, none of their friends who have their memories, so far,haven't let on or mentioned seeing the older man, neither anyone attached to him, not even the Special operations Squad, not even Ms.Hanji.

Armin can tell how the wait is slowly tearing Eren apart, Armin's found Jean, he knows where he is (probably with Marco), but Eren hasn't the slightest clue.

Armin sees when it's at it's worse, sometimes during the night when the entire apartment is shrouded by silence, the blond can make out the loud sniffles and the occasional sob that Armin knows the brunet can't control, make it's way to his ears.

Sometimes it's Armin who's joining in on that crying, letting himself think only for one selfishly sweet moment what it'd be like if Jean were to choose him over Marco, if Jean were to ask for his hand like he'd done in the previous life, it's terrible thinking and he knows it.

It's at these times that Eren will climb into bed beside Armin and they'll both share eachothers sadness, crying into the other's arms. And it makes Armin so thankful that he has Eren with him in these moments.

But there's one thing that's differentiated between them, sets them apart.

Eren will  find Levi, It's not that Levi won't look  at him as it is with Armin, it's that he hasn't seen him. If that makes sense.

Eren and Levi, Armin would think, are definitely what you'd call 'connected by the red string of fate' it was easy to see in the chemistry they'd had with eachother in the past life, from the moment he'd seen them first interact in the courtroom right down to their tragic end and Armin does not wish too recall the horrifying outcome of that event.

Theyre no doubt the literal definition of Soulmates.

But it's for these reasons that Armin finds himself just slightly envious of Eren. Although he feels incredibly guilty for it, having such a feeling towards his best friend who's been nothing but there for him.

He can't help it though, him and Eren might be feeling the same way now but when the brunet finds Levi they'll be connected and it'll just be Armin who's left behind with his tired pining heart, that fact is inevitable.

He's disturbed when he hears the distinct ringing of his cellphone.

Armin groans a bit, a little too lazy to get up and see just who's calling him at- he checks his digital clock on his bedside table- 8:34 in the morning. Armin just wants to sleep for two more hours and have whoever's calling him go screw themselves until he's ready to interact.

The initial plan was for him to ignore them but whoever's calling is pretty damn persistent and proceeded to call the blond twice after that until he throws in the towel and gives in, determining that he's already awake enough to be thinking about Jean so he's awake enough to answer this intrusive phone call.

He blindly fumbles for his phone that sits atop his end table, locating the source of sudden noise and catching a glimpse of the name that flashes across the screen.

Speak of the devil and he will appear, although Armin hadn't spoken of him at all that morning, merely he'd just thought of him.

Because of course it's Jean  who's calling him.

Armin debates just throwing his phone into another room and letting it ring until the certain dirty-blond figures it out that he's not gonna pick up.

But then again, Armin likes Jean (despite how annoying he may or may not be) and he's far too lazy to get himself up from bed to apply the idea he'd just stated. Relinquishing, he swipes answer, placing the phone onto his ear. He listens as the incredibly familiar cocky voice filters through the phone, "Hey Armin, what took you so long to answer, huh? Did I just wake you up?"

Armin sighs, still slightly peeved at being called at such an early time, if he'd worried about waking him up why had he called so early in the first place? "Yes Jean, you did. Now what are you calling for?"

He hears Jean let out a nervous laugh from the other end of the phone and Armin is sure if they were talking face to face right now, the other man would for sure be scratching the back of his neck, out of usual habit- but it's not that Armin pays attention to that... too often.

"Well you see- I was wondering if you wanted to study with me today"

Armin slits his eyes, "Why?" knowing the other man far to well know that there's a chase.

Jean gives another laugh that echoes in Armin's ear when he does, "What? I can't just want to have a nice calm study session with one of my good friends? Who just so happens to be acing the class I'm failing in right now?"

Armin wants to say the way Jean so easily labeled him as 'a good friend'  bothers  him even though he knows that that's the way it's supposed to be, he and Jean aren't supposed to be together in this life or perhaps even the last- but he doesn't want to think about that, instead he dwells on the fact that Jean thinks he's smart. Well, in his own way. Although it's only just barely a compliment, Armin still feels his heart flutter at the idea that Jean admires some  part of him.

Yes, Armin's got it bad-he's had it bad for quite a while now.

He gives in -of course he does- because he can never say no to Jean,even if he tries to deny it on the outside on the inside he's so hopelessly in love he'd do anything to make Jean happy.

Because he cares, Armin values Jean so much, in this life and the last.

Of course though, Armin's not gonna let Jean know that outwardly.

The blond let's out an annoyed sigh, "What time?"

He hears Jean give an excited cheer from the other end of the speaker, "Thanks Armin, you're the best!"

He chooses to deny that Jean's excitement made the corners of Armin's mouth twitch upwards for the first time that morning.

_

They'd decided (although the decision was more against Armin's wish and more towards Jean's) to meet up at around 10 o'clock inside the library they would usually study at because yes, believe it or not this is definitely not the first Jean's asked Armin for study help.

Armin still has yet to deny him, somehow though. But every time he's in the midst of one of these sessions he has to ask himself why  he just doesn't, because tutoring Jean is probably the only time that Armin's ever understood Eren's hatred for the 'horseface'.

And it's not because Jean's a total idiot when it comes to schoolwork because the guy is actually more decent than you'd think when it comes to his academic skills. It's that Jean's incredibly distracting (not in the good way)and quite  annoying(big surprise).

Even now the dirty blond is looking at him with a pout that surely should've been outgrown a long time ago, "You're just saying that Armin"

"No, I actually really don't like working with you"

"I can't fathom why" Jean says nonchalantly.

Armin is this  close to ripping his hair out, "You just asked me if you tried to swallow an entire watermelon if you would die!"

"Well, would you?"

Armin makes a loud sound of disbelief, which earns him a glare from afew people quietly browsing the books nearby, in which he lowers his voice a little, slightly embarrassed, "You know what, why don't you try it, then come back to me"

Jean makes a hurt face, "Ouch Armin, no need to be so harsh, I know you don't mean that"

"How would you know?"

"Simple, Because you love  me" Jean's lips have upturned as he flashes Armin a cocky grin 

'Oh, you have no idea', Is what Armin would probably say if he didn't have a brain-to-mouth filter, but luckily he does have a brain-to-mouth filter which he's incredibly grateful for since it saves him plenty of embarrassment from spouting out the secret he's been trying to keep ever since he'd met Jean in this life.

"You're impossible" Armin says, hoping his cheeks aren't as red as he feels them to be.

"If that's the case then how come you always agree to come here and help me?"

Because I can't say no to you, Armin's thoughts say.

"I'm not heartless enough to let a poor little colt miss his chance to grow up and be a big stallion so he can live his dream of racing in the Kentucky derby"

The face Jean makes after that is priceless  when Armin turns to look back, this making his mood flip right around and cause him to giggle at the distraught man's face.

Jean huffs, "Really Armin, that was so uncalled for, you're the only one I can rely on to not  make horse jokes"

"What do you expect? I'm best friends with Eren"

"Oh hell no, please don't remind me of the bastard I really don't need the reminder that he exists"

Armin laughs again, he leans over and softly pinches one of Jean's cheeks, "Ok then, finish you're homework and I'll reward you with an apple later, alright little foal?"

Jean groans, "You're starting to sound like my Ma"

"You'd prefer if I called you Jean-bo?" Armin asks teasingly and Jean leans back in his chair and gives another sound of annoyance, "Let's just go back to where we were before, kay?"

Armin's not sure how, but Jean's just the type of guy that Armin could be extensively plotting the murder of one second to grinning like an idiot at him the next. He knows better than anyone else that he shouldn't feel this way around Jean, so blissfully happy and so in love with him when he's already in a relationship.

Armin blames it on his memories, supposing that the only reason he's feeling this way about Jean is based off of how he felt in their past lives. But Armin's not entirely sold on that theory because he had been nursing a tiny crush for Jean for a while even in that life, it had been minor but it had still been there, just not as heavy as is now.

However, he decides, that he's got to be okay with it. Even if he's still tied to Jean, if him and Marco were to never separate -not that he's waiting- he's happy as long as he can still see Jean, still talk  to him, still feel  him.

He expresses to himself that it doesn't matter, if he'll never be able to see that matching ring on Jean's finger, never be able to talk to him about how much he loves him, that he'll never be able to feel Jean's skin in those intimate moments or Jean's touch himself.

It'll be fine if he never experiences those things again.

So he listens to Jean and they go back to their tutoring and occasional teasing joke tossed recklessly around. It's not until half an hour later when Jean's phone starts ringing from where it's placed on the table, the sound vibrating it's surface.

Jean picks it up and answers it. Armin's going to pretend that he didn't see the way Jean's face lit up when he'd realized who it was on the other side of the line. He tries to drown out the conversation, with the random 'babes' thrown in and honey-coated words. But it's okay, it's okay, it's-

"Hey Armin?" Jean asks, effectively cutting off Armin's mantra.

The blond hums in response, pretending he's still working on the sheet in front of him.

"Well that was Marco," I know, "And he's coming to pick me up soon, you wanna ride?" Jean asks.

Armin really doesn't want to, he could barely make it through hearing one end of a phone call, he doesn't know how he'd handle being in a closed space with the two in the amount of time it'll take for them to get to Armin's house. So,

"Maybe next time" Armin responds with a small smile and Jean nods.

Armin decides that he should get going, surprisingly finishing the majority of his work in their session, they pack up together, Jean helping Armin because he had barely brought anything with himself other than the subject he'd been struggling with.

They head out of the Library entrance together to be greeted with the sight of Marco's car.

Jean smiles before walking over to the car, bending down to be level with the window, "Hey beautiful" he greets the darker-haired man before pecking his lips.

Armin's never really gotten how people have said that they're heart 'breaks' and how they could feel it's physically pain without it actually 'breaking'. But since learning about Jean and Marco's relationship, Armin's understood and he experiences it more than he's happy with. This time he feels as if it is a bit stronger than most, his heart absolutely shatters at the sight, of Jean's handsome smile not aimed towards him, of Jean's lips not on his and Armin knows- he's known that it can't be okay, he can't be okay with it all if he doesn't have Jean. No matter how cruelly selfish it sounds, it's the truth he can't deny it.

Armin really hopes he doesn't look as terrible as he feels when both men turn to look at him.

"Are you sure you don't want a ride, Armin?" Marco asks in that angelic voice of his that speaks nothing but good intentions, "It's getting kinda cloudy out and I don't want you to get stuck in a thunderstorm"

It's then that Armin takes in and notices the darkening sky, but he'd rather get struck by lightning than feel his heart completely shatter like that again the aftermath he's feeling from it is intense. 

"No, it's okay"

"Really? Come on Armin I'd hate if you got sick" Jean asks, looking at Armin a bit worriedly but it's not the way he wants Jean to look at him, he has to force his eyes not to prick tears at that thought.

"It's fine, I-I have to go pick up something at the... post office" Armin struggles a bit to lie with his quickly growing shaky voice, so grateful that he can use the post office nearby as an excuse.

Finally the two agree and leave him alone about it, Jean climbs into the passenger seat and they all trade goodbyes before Jean and Marco drive away.

Armin's house is only a ten-minute walk away but he runs, feeling the previously rejected tears well up in his eyes as he does.

It's started to rain but luckily, the blond is only underneath the downpour for about a minute before he's rushing into his apartment complex and bursting through the door.

When he rushes in, Eren is sitting at the kitchen table on his laptop, looking up abruptly and asking if Armin's okay, but Armin ignores him as he goes straight to his room, locking the door and falling onto his bed.

Eren does come knocking on his door a minute later trying to help him, but Armin just tells him through his teary voice to give him afew minutes.  Which of course, Eren understands he relates in the way the heartbreak and separation feels. So he leaves.

_

Armin feels intensely awful, having had sobbed into his now thoroughly damp pillow for what feels like an hour, but it couldn't have been that long.

Before he had used his memories as a way of coping, that he'd had Jean before, he could live with just the recollections of him. But now he feels as if he's drowning in them, there's so many, happy, sad, angry but he loves them, each and every one of them. He could never find himself to hate something so valuable to him.

But he can't take it, the fact that he can't make more, that all they'll ever be is in the past and not the present, how there's no future.

He's terrible, he knows it. He should be beyond ecstatic that Jean's happy with Marco, surely after being taken apart from each other in their previous life. He should want them to stay together, he should be looking for other people instead of just pining after one guy.

Armin is a horrible friend and would be an even worse lover.

Amidst the tears and his ringing ears he makes out his phone, once again repeating it's ringtone from it's location in his bag. He whimpers a small groan, now definitely  is not the right time for someone to be calling, but again, this person is persistent.

He crawls out of his bed, searching in his bag for his cellphone and seeing it's none other than Jean. Armin's confused, perhaps Jean had somehow misplaced something of his in Armin's bag? During his rummaging he hadn't noticed anything in there that wasn't his and it couldn't possibly be more study help, could it?

Clearing his aching voice, Armin swipes his phone to answer, "Yes?"

The Jean on the other side of the phone is not the one he'd talked to earlier, this one's voice is thick with what could be tears as Armin's own has been since he'd watched Jean leave, the man sniffs before he talks "Armin," Jean begins, his voice cracking-

"Marco's had an accident"

**Author's Note:**

> I think now would be a good reason to mention I like Nf and Jearmin. I put Jeanmarco to rest a long time ago. (not that you can't ship it though plz don't kill me)
> 
> I promise I'm working on the next chapter for HSS...... It's just a bit late...


End file.
